I try to be different, yes it's true But a broke ass comic from Chicago ain't nothin new I want a rich, joyful life, so just ask me anything you need Cause I get my happiness from other people’s opinions of me I ain’t afraid to smoke weed around kids I’ll use a child to shield the wind Like to tell myself, I get high cause it’s what my art needs If that is the case, consider my art masturbating Are you impressed with me? Are you impressed with me? (chorus) Are you impressed when I rollerblade? I don’t even wear a helmet Cause I look more badass when I’m wearing my fedora Are you impressed I’m a country girl? My southern ways on autopilot Like givin’ it up to Jesus, every time I touch a football I am as white as a southern church steeple But I got a black roommate, so now I can join the club of white people who know black people No that’s not a frown, it’s a permanent state of depression Am I the most fucked up person you know? Don’t be an asshole validate me cause I’m damaged Are you impressed with me? (chorus) Are you impressed with the way I dress? Do ya wanna dress like me? Then go to Target and then become a lesbian Are you impressed I know all the words to Ain’t Nothin But A G’ Thang So invite Snoop to karaoke, cause I’m about to sing it again (reggae part) One, two, three and to the four A blue eyed and blonde haired comedian that’s me is at the door Ready to make you laugh by being an idiot And you know that I don’t take no shit, cause I’m a feminist But back to the lecture at hand Are you impressed by my skills? Am I as good as a man? And if the answer is ‘yes’ I’m gonna jizz myself Cause what I like best is to impress people nothing less than get em’ to bow down And if they like me good enough then maybe I’ll get a crown And has word gotten around about how cool I am? I work in customer service, so I get to kiss rich people’s butts all day And sometimes when I go home, I smell like rich people poo Are you impressed with me? Are you impressed with me?

You give me the eyes, and the pace of my heartbeat it quickens Eyebrows are raised, and I think I know just what you’re thinkin It could be great, it could be unicorns humping in honey Or it could be bad, like Putin dry fucking Trump’s hairpiece (first chorus) Should we hook up Maybe our friendship would grow while I bang you. Should we hook up Feeling the guilt and the shame is something I’m very used to We might fall in love, and it might cause a rift in our drinking group And when we break up, will you promise to delete my nudes It could be great, it could be unicorns floating on Kush Or it could be bad, like Steve Buscemi eating out Barbara Bush (2nd chorus) Should we hook up You should know, that sometimes my thighs get real greasy Should we hook up You might see some stuff on my pannies Should we hok up Plz let me know so that I can start shaving Should we hook up It might be real bad but it might be amazing That wasn’t so awful, I might even wanna try it again If this wasn’t so awkward, if when you saw me you, hadn’t ran (3rd chorus) We shouldnta hooked up I feel like you owe me a favor We shouldnta hooked up Cause now you remind me of all my own failurs We shouldnta hooked up Doing your friends is just fucking with nature We shouldnta hooked up Don’t ever fuck people you know, just strangers and animals

Don’t wanna scare you off, don’t want this to stop So I try to play it cool, if you knew what I wanna do My friends say, you’d never stay And what would be so wrong, with googling her to fill the lyrics out in our soon to be love song? They shake their heads, I say ‘look’ What’s wrong with writing every word she says in this little secret notebook? Don’t give a fuck what they say I’m gonna snapchat you twenty times a day I’m coming on strong, so look out (chorus) And are you scared? Cause I wanna make a duplicate wig out of your hair Not for anything wrong, just in case you’re ever gone Don’t wanna run you off, just wanna turn you on So I’ll dress up like Rashida Jones I’ll change the background on your phone to a picture of my cornea And what could be so bad With renting puppies so we can roll around with them in bed? My friends tell me ‘play it cool’ Meanwhile I’m writing out this poem about the first time we played pool Don’t give a fuck what they say I’m gonna smother you in every single way I’m coming on strong, so look out (chorus) And are you scared? Cause I wanna make a t-shirt out of your underwear So I wrote you a song, is that so wrong? And are you scared? Cause I won’t stop kissing on your forehead It’s just I’m really into you, it’s hard to play it cool

What am I doing with my life right now? Coastin by What am I doing with my life right now? Getting high She said she’s an artist. Don’t you mean an alcoholic? Ain’t that the same thing? What are you doing? Thank you I had an audition How long ago? Just last spring. Mom and dad think I’m spending my every night Putting my time in at these open mics But I’m spending 90% of my night trying to find the right movie on Netflix I’ve watched the beginning of thirty movies in one hour Is it coastin’ cause I’m not boastin bout my new novel It’s not finished yet, but it will be It’s about me. How many pages have I done? Not many, but lots of character descriptions What am I doing with my life right now? Coastin by Not washing my hair as much What am I doing with my life right now? Getting high Giving organic food a try He asks, ‘are you single?” Oh could you smell my desperation And low self esteem? ‘It was just a question, but by the way have you tried online dating?’ All my friends are stressing bout not being married Holy shit, that sounds rough my friend With me what’s new? It’s all cool, I’m twenty-eight And just realized I’m a fucking lesbian I’m gonna be so bad at eating pussy Is it coastin’ cause I’m not boastin bout my group of ethnically diverse friends Social boundaries we transcend I’m busy fighting racism by getting drunk in a bar And singing that U2 song “One Love” What am I doing with my life right now? Coastin by Wearing lots of messy buns What am I doing with my life right now? Getting high Trying to pronounce the word Quinoa I’m just coastin so lets get toasted